It will probably happen on a weekend, most likely in the afternoon. A small group of Londoners will march solemnly to a cemetery carrying a tiny coffin, a foot long and 2-inches wide.
A eulogist, perhaps a priest, will note that the first drinking straws were made by the Sumerians and used for sipping beer. He (or she) may recall that a gold straw inlaid with precious stones had once been found in an ancient tomb that dated back to 3,000 BCE.
The small box will be placed in the ground. The funeral entourage will leave. Life will go on.
The plastic straw’s death is a handmaid-in-waiting. Prime Minister Theresa May has noted that “Plastic waste is one of the greatest environmental challenges facing the world, which is why protecting the marine environment is central to our agenda.”
That’s why single-use plastics, including straws, are expected to be banned as part of a campaign to halt the pollution of rivers and oceans. (About 8.5 billion plastic straws are thrown away in the United Kingdom annually — not an inconsequential amount.)
Perhaps you’ve read about the 29 sperm whales stranded on the shores around the North Sea. Autopsies revealed that 13 of those grand creatures had stomachs filled with plastic debris — including fishnets, car parts, and other bits of litter — inadvertently swallowed as the whales sucked in food.
“These findings show us the results of our plastic-oriented society,” observed Nicola Hodgins of the Whale and Dolphin Conservation. “Animals inadvertently consume plastic and plastic waste, which causes them to suffer, and at worst, causes them to starve with full stomachs.”
Americans are also aware of the problem. A bill has been introduced in California that would forbid waiters and waitresses at dine-in restaurants from providing single-use plastic straws to customers unless requested. Workers who ignore this “straws-upon-request” policy would be subject to jail time and a fine of up to $1,000.
Of course, drinking straws won’t disappear. Paper will help fill in the gap. Glass, too, along with metal and bamboo. I suspect I’ll be long dead before plastic straws are ultimately and universally outlawed. (I’m 71 now. Not gonna be around that much longer, for sure.)
How soon before other plastic items are banned: spoons, forks, bottles, hoses, pipes, tubes, and what-not.
I’m reminded of a conversation from “The Graduate.” It went like this:
Mr. McGuire: I just want to say one word to you. Just one word.
Benjamin: Yes, sir.
Mr. McGuire: Are you listening?
Benjamin: Yes, I am.
Mr. McGuire: Plastics.
Benjamin: Exactly how do you mean?
Mr. McGuire: There’s a great future in plastics. Think about it. Will you think about it?
Who knew in 1967 when “The Graduate” was released that the bright future of plastics would become so tarnished? What a mighty fall: From rising star to whale-killer.
Au revoir, plastic straws. Good-bye, farewell. Life will suck without you. … I ’ll drink to that.
Jim Lamb is a retired journalist living in Florida. He works as a free-lance writer to maintain his life-long habit of eating quality canned soups and drinking hot, dark-roast coffee.
URL: www.jslstories.com
